Tis the Season...

It's that time of the year to put aside petty differences. To stop thinking about ways to piss off your extremely annoying neighbors, and remember what the season is all about... cookies.

I love the holidays. I love cookies and cakes and all other things sweet. Yesterday I put on my apron and my bakers hat and basked in a confectioners glow.

I sent Marvin and the kids out of the house. To be honest I didn't care where they went, as long as it was away. I think he spent half of the day driving around the mall parking lot, and half sleeping in the car at the library.

With them out of my hair, I was able to make fudge and peanut brittle. I painted happy faces of tiny gingerbread men and I rolled up cream filled pumpkin rolls. It was wonderful. I turned the music up (non holiday I assure you) and sang and danced, whilst sipping my wine. All was definitely well with the world.

Seven had the couches all to himself and he occasionally looked up, grinned and approved of my happiness. Yes, dogs can grin.

When the family finally returned home, we ate cookies until we all felt ill. Gotta love the holidays.

What's your favorite thing about this time of year?
~NM

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Mrs. Willoughby has Lost Her Mind

Today, I was out walking Seven around the block. Encase you are new to this delightful blog, Seven is our new dog. He is a cute little fuzzy thing sans one back leg. My wonderful husband, Marvin, thought he would be the perfect Christmas gift for our children (ages 3 and 10).... long story.

I decide to walk around the block with Seven, because he was making eyes at me all morning. I knew he needed to get out of the house and stretch all three of those cute little legs, so I thought I would be nice and take him for a walk.

All was well and good until we got in front of the Willoughbys' house. Seven thought it was a great place to mark, so I let him. I didn't know crazy Mrs. Willoughby would run out of her house with a fire extinguisher and try to put out my dog.

SO...

I might have been wearing my Snuggie. The exact same one I was wearing with my entire family the evening she and her shifty eyed husband decided to call the cops on us... and I did pelt the back of her house with some rotten apples left on my porch. I might have been asking for it, but not poor Seven.

I said some ugly things, but then being sprayed down with a fire extinguisher probably didn't help. I definitely said some things I am glad my children didn't overhear. She ran back into her house about as fast as she appeared with her fire prevention technique.

Defeated, Seven and I dragged our butts home whining the whole way.

Poor Seven; I gave him a nice warm bath and scrambled him an egg. I feel completely rotten. Mrs. Willoughby hasn't heard the last from me.
~NM

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Welcome Home... Seven

Marvin and I have been talking about getting the kids a puppy for Christmas. He thought he would stop by and see what was up for adoption at the local pound on the way home from work today.

I didn't think he would bring anything home. I thought it was just a "look and see" trip. I was wrong.

Marv brought home a dog today; a small brown, fuzzy mutt with huge chocolate eyes. Marvin was so proud of himself when he showed me Seven, the three-legged dog he brought home for the kids for Christmas. He told me they named him Seven because that was the number of toes he had on his remaining feet???

"I thought you were getting a puppy?" I asked while I just shook my head, confused.

"He's little like a puppy..."

"How old is he?" I interrupted.

"Eight or nine... they think." He was running his hands all through Seven's fluffy curls with a childlike twinkle in his eyes.

"Eight or nine? Marv, what were you thinking? He's old and OBVIOUSLY impaired. We have kids who are going to be rough with him. Oh my gosh, Marv," I gasped, "What if they kill him?"

"God, Mary," he rushed in, "he's a tough little guy, the kids can't hurt him. He's a good dog, they even told me how great he is with kids"

I could see all the ways this could go horribly wrong in my head, but I tried to shake it off. "Alright, Marv..." He had the biggest, dorkiest smile (which was seriously making me sick to my stomach) plastered all over his face when he called the kids into the room.

They ran in at top speed. They didn't know Marvin was home, so they were excited to see him. They both came to a screaching halt when they saw the dog in their father's arms.

"Merry Christmas," Marv sat the little dog on the kitchen floor. Both of his front feet touched the tile simultaneously and then clinked the nails of his single hind leg.

The kids' eyes widened.

Sweet Pea began to scream, and Seven began to run in small circles. Baby Boy just stood there staring, while Marv tried to get Pea to settle down. I just stood there wishing I was somewhere else and crossing my fingers that the dog didn't pee all over my floor.

"That dog has three legs," B.Boy said flately still staring at the mini circus act/freak show that was playing out before our very eyes. Pea stopped screaming just long enough to catch her breath, and began again. Seven started to run throughout the living room/dining area in large figure eight patterns, obviously freaked by Pea's vocal chords (aren't we all).

I could just stand there with my mouth wide open/head shaking frantically. I think I was in shock. I had to get out of there. I excused myself, although I am sure it wasn't audible, and hid out in my bathroom... the sanctuary that is my bathtub.

I let them work out the ordeal.

Sometimes, I have to pat myself on the back for my quick thinking. When I finally decided I was brave enough to go back into the other room, I was shocked to find the three of them and our new three-legged dog, Seven, sitting on the couch eating cookies. Seven licking their smiling faces inbetween bites.

I was on my own for dinner.
They had cookies.... I had ice cream :-)
~NM

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I Believe in Chistmas Miracles, Do you?

I have recently experienced these little pieces of heaven called Nilla Cakesters. They are these magnificently yummy cookies filled with soft billowy clouds of sugar. They are supposed to be like over sized Nilla Wafers filled with the wondermous filling that makes up the best part of a Twinkie. They are so incredibly delicious.

If they taste good, they have to be good for you, right?

Well today, while I sipped on my favorite diet beverage (I don't want to drink my calories), I sit down and visited with my best friend (my computer). To my right was this sparkly package of Strawberry Creme Nilla Cakesters, and I knew it was going to be the best part of my day.

I took the delicately pink package into my eager hands and opened it, and what did I find?

THREE CAKESTERS!!! IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!

Obviously to be filled with only 2 cakes, my package had been blessed with a wonderful defect. While they were oddly shaped and rather smooshed, it has still been a joyous day worth celebrating!

~NM

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Freaking out the Neighbors

Since the incident with the police last week, my neighbors have been on high alert.

The Willoughbys have never been overly friendly. I am guessing it's because they are old. I mean I am old, but they are older. Their kids are grown and occasionally they keep their grandkids on the weekend.

Their house is directly behind ours. We don't have a real fence; it's more like iron (prison) bars that allow us to see directly into their home. It may be a builder's flaw. The iron fence is suppose to look out onto a grassy field, but due to the field's bizarre shape our houses sit at the very tip of the point of this large doggie toilet.

Mrs. Willoughby likes to look out her windows at our house a lot. I think it's Marv adjusting the sprinklers in his boxers that does it for her. She wasn't too happy about my family traipsing around in Snuggies last week. She called the cops on us.

I know they look rather bizarre, but they are quite comfortable. The police man was very nice, and laughed the whole incident off, but I am still rather disturbed by it. It doesn't help that she keeps walking back in forth in front of my house.

Yesterday Sweet Pea and I walked to the corner to get our mail. As we came around from our side of the block, Mrs. Willoughby rounded her corner. When she saw us she immediately turned on her heels and went the other way. She had her mailbox arm and key extended, so I am pretty sure she was going to get her mail... or she might be trying to intimidate the other neighbors.

Man, she's old. I hope when I get OLD my hair doesn't get all wiry and stand on end... or my eyes don't cross when I am confused. I hope that I don't twitch and get overly gassy when engaged in stimulating conversation. What would be stimulating conversation?

I don't even want to think about it; makes my brain hurt

~NM

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Christmas Came Early

Marvin (my shifty-eyed husband) received a package in the mail yesterday. I didn't open it, although I really wanted to.

When he got home from work, he took the package into the bedroom and closed the door. A few minutes later he rushed into the kitchen and said, "Mary, I got something in the mail today. I ordered you and the kids, and well, myself something... I just can't wait until Christmas. Come on!" He grabs my hand, led me into the bedroom, and yelled for the kids.

Baby Boy and Sweet Pea came running into our room very excited, and honestly, I was excited too. We stood around the opposite side of the bed as Marvin reached into the box, and started pulling out these individually packed "blankets".

"Ooooh blankets," Sweet Pea chimes.

While B.Boy has ripped his package open, he lifted it up and looked puzzled. "You got me a dress?" he asked as he made a disgusted face. By this time, we had all ripped ours out of the package, and they were all the same. They did resemble some weird long sleeve burgundy dress made out of fleece.

"NO! These are Snuggies," he said. We all looked at him puzzled, "They are blankets that you wear like when you watch TV or go to a football game, and your arms don't get trapped inside like if you need to change the channel or answer the phone."

I continued to look at him weird. We live in the desert, the football games are over before it even gets chilly here, and we never go anyway. I was confused as to why we would need these blanket/dresses. The children didn't seem to mind and both had put on theirs, both swallowed whole by their enormous dresses.

"I look like a Jedi!" B.Boy yelled.

"I look like a beautiful princess." Sweet Pea smiled.

What did Marv and I look like... weird, but he insisted we wear them around the house. They weren't too bad actually. There was a bit of a chill that evenings, so we decided to have dinner on the back patio.

It was nice. Sweet Pea and B.Boy sat next to me and we were snuggly and warm while Marvin fiddled with the sprinklers. I kept noticing the neighbors glancing out their back blinds. I tried to ignore them. I pointed out their nosey asses to Marv, but he said they were probably envious that we were spending time on our patio while their backyard had not been landscaped.

A few minutes later I heard the doorbell ring, and I scooted the kids over and ran into the front room. I looked thru the peephole and saw the officer immediately. I opened the door.

Our neighbors had called the police. He told me that they thought we were performing some sort of satanic ritual, and that our smocks had scared them out their minds. I tried my best to explain the gifts my husband had bought, and he laughed. He said he saw them on TV, and asked if he could feel mine. He mentioned he had thought about getting one for his wife, but after this incident that he was going to rethink it.

After he left, I called the family in and closed and locked the back door. Before I closed the blinds I saw two pairs of eyes peering out the back window of my neighbor's house.

Great.

~NM

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Aliens Scare the Crap Out of Me

I have been having some difficulty sleeping, so lately I have been rotating sleep aids. One night I might take a Tylenol PM then another I might take a Benadryl.

The problem with the sleep aids is that they make me very paranoid, and if I don't go to sleep immediately after taking them I will lay there in bed with eyes wide open thinking about alien abduction and listening to noises in my big empty house.

I have never been abducted by aliens. In fact, I don't think I even know a single person that has claimed to have been abducted.

My thinking is, that since I have yet to be abducted that the statistics are greater that I will be abducted. I know that's a weird way of thinking but laying wide awake in the dark in the middle of the night with my covers pulled up over my head... it makes perfect sense.

I wonder if I would remember if I were abducted. If maybe aliens used some sort of brainwashing to erase my memories of the event. In that case, maybe I have already been abducted, and that is why I am so worried about it in the wee hours of the morning.

I don't know; it just freaks me out sometimes. I should blame the media and television. They have given the alien a bad name. You never hear about abductions where the alien just wanted to chat over a bit of tea; there's always this dissecting and probing business.

Poor guys, they scare the crap out of all of us, and those who say they aren't scared are probably lying so their friends will think they are cool or something. Maybe they like anal probes.

~NM

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Marvin is Up to No Good

My dearest husband, Marvin, is trying to kill me. He won't come out and say it, but he's been acting strange lately. He has always been rather shifty eyed, but recently he's been very secretive.

I know you may be thinking, "Mary this is holiday season. Maybe Marvin is buying you something special for Christmas."

To you I would answer, No. Marvin is not much into the holidays, and usually he finds a website dedicated to choosing gifts for him. The site where you answer certain questions about that special someone, and it finds gifts catered directly to your needs.

On my birthday, I got a singing fish. One of those wall mounted ones that belts Elvis tunes.

No, No he is not trying to buy me a gift. Let me list the exhibits for you:

A. I woke up in the middle of the night to make one of my many trips to the bathroom, and tripped over books strategically placed in my path. I do not recall them being there when I turned out the light. I hit my head on a metal tool box. It, too, wasn't there when I went to sleep. Death by decapitation?

B. After Marvin left for work this morning, I burned my arm on a super hot iron. He had left it plugged in and turned on and sat it next to my special morning coffee coaster. Maybe he was hoping I would spill my coffee and electrocute myself or maybe just BURN MYSELF TO DEATH?

C. He forgot to flush the toilet, and when I flushed it, it immediately overflowed. Drowning?

D. Yesterday, he opened the window that is strategically placed on my side of the bed. When I woke up in the morning my tongue was glued to the top of my mouth. I am not sure what he was trying there, but he is a schemer. He's trying to kill me.

I am really hoping this won't be the last time you hear from me.

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