Marvin was Hot... Sorta

I have written before about how I was guilted into marrying my beloved Marvin. Well yes, he sort of conned me into it, but I was into him... at one point in time. I mean technically I still am, if you call it that. We are married, and we hang out; I like him alright.


We were childhood friends, so it's not like I always liked him. I did enjoy throwing rocks at his head as he drove past my house on his bike calling me names that rhymed with "stink" and "crap" (*sigh* always the poet).


In highschool, Marvin went through this punk rock phase, and for the most part he still enjoys the music, but definitely doesn't live the punk rock life. I remember the moment I actually thought I had a crush on him, sadly he looked a lot like Gary Oldman in Sid and Nancy.


Today he's a closer match for George Costanza from Seinfeild - add some tattoos and a tad more hair. Oh and a bit of height too... You know what I mean?





It's funny how we always turn into our parents. No matter how far out there we go we always round back onto this conservative pallet. Whether it be now or when we're playing checkers 30 years from now outside the retirement center.


For some reason, I can't picture a 75 year old man sitting at a table in his leather jacket with that hand sewn Dead Kennedys patch, spike-studded choker, and bone through his nose saying "king me, Rocko!" while throwing back some jim or jack and spitting while flipping the bird. That's one hell of a sentence!


People change. Marvin's changed. I mean, just last night when he got home from work, he sat down and watched the news. The second his butt hit the sofa and his feet hit the coffee table, his mouth dropped open and he was snoring. The children were bouncing on him like a trampoline and Seven was chewing his socks... nothing.


I watched the slide show in my head of the rise and fall of the punk rocker: the days he tramped in the pit, the excessive use of safety pins, and the spray painted combat boots. Marv's all domestic now. It sort of played out like some National Geographic documentary.


I am glad he turned out the way he did. Because if he spit on the kids, it would be my turn to do some stomping.

Read more...

Where's my 5 Bucks?

HA! I told you! I told you that Marv was going to get out of celebrating our Anniversary.

This year, he pulled an imaginary cold out of his ass and lay in bed whimpering all evening. He was miraculously cured the next day. How convenient!

I am just going to let it go... and bring it up in arguments the rest of the year. He guilted me into marrying him, and I am going to guilt him into LOTS of stuff all year long.

How you like them apples, Marv?

I will set up a PayPal account tomorrow, so you can send me my $5.00.

Read more...

Christmas Came Early

Marvin (my shifty-eyed husband) received a package in the mail yesterday. I didn't open it, although I really wanted to.

When he got home from work, he took the package into the bedroom and closed the door. A few minutes later he rushed into the kitchen and said, "Mary, I got something in the mail today. I ordered you and the kids, and well, myself something... I just can't wait until Christmas. Come on!" He grabs my hand, led me into the bedroom, and yelled for the kids.

Baby Boy and Sweet Pea came running into our room very excited, and honestly, I was excited too. We stood around the opposite side of the bed as Marvin reached into the box, and started pulling out these individually packed "blankets".

"Ooooh blankets," Sweet Pea chimes.

While B.Boy has ripped his package open, he lifted it up and looked puzzled. "You got me a dress?" he asked as he made a disgusted face. By this time, we had all ripped ours out of the package, and they were all the same. They did resemble some weird long sleeve burgundy dress made out of fleece.

"NO! These are Snuggies," he said. We all looked at him puzzled, "They are blankets that you wear like when you watch TV or go to a football game, and your arms don't get trapped inside like if you need to change the channel or answer the phone."

I continued to look at him weird. We live in the desert, the football games are over before it even gets chilly here, and we never go anyway. I was confused as to why we would need these blanket/dresses. The children didn't seem to mind and both had put on theirs, both swallowed whole by their enormous dresses.

"I look like a Jedi!" B.Boy yelled.

"I look like a beautiful princess." Sweet Pea smiled.

What did Marv and I look like... weird, but he insisted we wear them around the house. They weren't too bad actually. There was a bit of a chill that evenings, so we decided to have dinner on the back patio.

It was nice. Sweet Pea and B.Boy sat next to me and we were snuggly and warm while Marvin fiddled with the sprinklers. I kept noticing the neighbors glancing out their back blinds. I tried to ignore them. I pointed out their nosey asses to Marv, but he said they were probably envious that we were spending time on our patio while their backyard had not been landscaped.

A few minutes later I heard the doorbell ring, and I scooted the kids over and ran into the front room. I looked thru the peephole and saw the officer immediately. I opened the door.

Our neighbors had called the police. He told me that they thought we were performing some sort of satanic ritual, and that our smocks had scared them out their minds. I tried my best to explain the gifts my husband had bought, and he laughed. He said he saw them on TV, and asked if he could feel mine. He mentioned he had thought about getting one for his wife, but after this incident that he was going to rethink it.

After he left, I called the family in and closed and locked the back door. Before I closed the blinds I saw two pairs of eyes peering out the back window of my neighbor's house.

Great.

~NM

Read more...

Marvin is Up to No Good

My dearest husband, Marvin, is trying to kill me. He won't come out and say it, but he's been acting strange lately. He has always been rather shifty eyed, but recently he's been very secretive.

I know you may be thinking, "Mary this is holiday season. Maybe Marvin is buying you something special for Christmas."

To you I would answer, No. Marvin is not much into the holidays, and usually he finds a website dedicated to choosing gifts for him. The site where you answer certain questions about that special someone, and it finds gifts catered directly to your needs.

On my birthday, I got a singing fish. One of those wall mounted ones that belts Elvis tunes.

No, No he is not trying to buy me a gift. Let me list the exhibits for you:

A. I woke up in the middle of the night to make one of my many trips to the bathroom, and tripped over books strategically placed in my path. I do not recall them being there when I turned out the light. I hit my head on a metal tool box. It, too, wasn't there when I went to sleep. Death by decapitation?

B. After Marvin left for work this morning, I burned my arm on a super hot iron. He had left it plugged in and turned on and sat it next to my special morning coffee coaster. Maybe he was hoping I would spill my coffee and electrocute myself or maybe just BURN MYSELF TO DEATH?

C. He forgot to flush the toilet, and when I flushed it, it immediately overflowed. Drowning?

D. Yesterday, he opened the window that is strategically placed on my side of the bed. When I woke up in the morning my tongue was glued to the top of my mouth. I am not sure what he was trying there, but he is a schemer. He's trying to kill me.

I am really hoping this won't be the last time you hear from me.

Read more...