Manic Moustache

Baby Boy is ten. While being ten doesn't make him a baby, he was my first born; therefore he will always be a baby to me.

We have a weird nightly ritual. After B. Boy has brushed his teeth and is ready for bed, he has me check his underarms for hair. I haven't seen any, but I know one day I will go to look and there they will be. I am still calling him Baby Boy regardless.

He has become fascinated with body hair lately, and it's starting to worry me. He wants a moustache and asked me to wax his upper lip so the hair would grow in faster. He thinks if he has a moustache he can make it into the Guinness Book of World Records.

I am pretty sure there are younger kids with moustaches out there running around. I doubted any of the other fifth graders at his school would be impressed.

While he is very eager for a lip full of fur, it's not quite growing in as planned. He's starting to vaguely resemble Adolf Hitler, and I am afraid that the school is already talking. I noticed some kids pointing when I picked him up the other day. That can't be a good sign.

Tonight while B. Boy is asleep... I'm shaving it off.
~NM

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Sweet Pea Has a Potty Mouth

In the 3+ years of her existence, we (well me) have introduced Sweet Pea to a vast array of skid marked vocabulary. Some of her favorite words include: poop, turd, turdburger, poopcake, poobbles, and crap.

She likes to use them in sentences like:

You stinkin' turdburger!
or
You smelly poopcake!
and
That's crap!

While I am impressed with her sentence structure, I am worried about her starting school. I don't think they would find it nearly as humorous as I do.

We had the chance to discuss this situation not too long ago. I am always surprised by her maturity. "You know Sweet Pea,” I said, “we really shouldn't be talking like that."

"I won't talk about poop at school," she replies. She really wants to go to school.

"I know you won't. I was thinking we should probably stop talking like that around here too... to make it easier. Maybe we should just say something else instead of turdburger..."

"We can say sparkles." she said.

She's brilliant.
Princess on the outside; poop flinging butt-monkey on the inside.

Having kids is pretty cool.
~NM

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Lazy People

Dear Looking Constipated,

I have never been one to worry about fiber in my diet. Until recently, I really didn't think that all this stuff about regularity, etc, was really worth losing sleep over or going out and buying expensive tablets.

Everyone poops! Don't act like you're offended.

In my old age, I am becoming more aware, and it is possible that I could probably poop more. I still am not going to lose sleep over it.

I have come to an eye opening conclusion though, and it might shock you. I don't really think there is such a thing as constipation. I think that lazy people just choose not to put out the effort to squeeze out a turd.

Now there comes a time when that urge to go actually leaves you, and you've gone past the point of no return. You've screwed up buddy. You should have went when that brown baby was calling your name. Since your lazy ASS didn't want to leave in the middle of Heroes, you've developed a bit of problem...

If you weren't prepared to birth that stinker, it just swells and grows and hardens... requiring more effort on your end. You're lazy, so screw that. Take a pill, tablet, chocolate, or orange drink and let it run down your leg like a river. Don't come complaining to me, you should have got off your lazy ass and went when you needed to in the first place.

Happily regular,
~NM

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