Resolutions

A few years ago, I actually sought the help of a medical professional to deal with certain... neurotic behaviors. While she insisted I was not OCD, I did have OCD tendencies that she requested I keep an eye on; for instance, excessive hand washing and counting. She convinced me I did this for comfort and not because I was obsessive or compulsive. I didn't mention redoing certain household chores that my dearest husband attempted, because they were completely wrong (ie. secretly refolding his poor attempts at folding laundry)

I decided my New Year's resolution would be to perfect this obsessive compulsive behavior. Mommy always said "perfect practice makes perfect".

I like the idea of being obsessive about things. Right now I am obsessively lazy. I know there is dust on my baseboards, but I was too distracted watching videos on YouTube to take care of it... until today.

I will not put off until tomorrow what I can obsess over today.

What's your New Year's Resolution?

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Where's my 5 Bucks?

HA! I told you! I told you that Marv was going to get out of celebrating our Anniversary.

This year, he pulled an imaginary cold out of his ass and lay in bed whimpering all evening. He was miraculously cured the next day. How convenient!

I am just going to let it go... and bring it up in arguments the rest of the year. He guilted me into marrying him, and I am going to guilt him into LOTS of stuff all year long.

How you like them apples, Marv?

I will set up a PayPal account tomorrow, so you can send me my $5.00.

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Happy Anniversary to Me!

Today is our 12 year anniversary. Marvin wanted to get married after the first of the year as close as we could to the 1st for tax reasons, and to give him a way of getting out of celebrating. His family has always been like that. His Aunt Rita's birthday was on Christmas, and every year she always got the birthday/Christmas combo gifts. On her thirty-third birthday she made a huge scene (so the story goes) and declared that "this is my last birthday". The whole family freaked out and had her committed.

They were afraid she was sucidal; apparently it was just a midlife crisis. Every year most of his family loads up to go see her the week or so before her birthday/Christmas. Their smiling faces and the presents trigger some kind of weird flashback that ensures her stay at the hospital for at least another year. Poor, poor Aunt Rita.

Weird family and Marvin is no different. We both grew up in a town where all the kids were named after old people. I was named after my great grandmother and Marvin was named after is father, who was named after his father, and so on. My only other boyfriend's name was Stuart. I am not sure who he was named after but "Stuart" sounds like an old man's name.

Basically, Marvin guilted me into dating him by bringing up an incident I might have caused in grade school. I did feel bad about it... then.

I was bored one day, and I wrote a lovely little note to this girl in my class. She was a rude, hateful little thing, and I thought I would tell her so on the behalf of the "entire universe". I signed Marvin's name. I wish I would have kept a copy it. It was eloquent.

Marvin got into a world of trouble. Not only with the school and his parents, but the little girl's boyfriend who was in 7th grade beat him up pretty bad. I felt awful about it. The guilt consumed me, so I emptied my piggy bank and gave him all the money I had and told him what I had done. He was really pissed, and now he will occassionally bring it up when we are arguing about other things.

Oh man, look I am rambling and I just intended to write about my anniversary. 5 bucks says Marvin says we "celebrated" our anniversary last night :-(.
~NM

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Tis the Season...

It's that time of the year to put aside petty differences. To stop thinking about ways to piss off your extremely annoying neighbors, and remember what the season is all about... cookies.

I love the holidays. I love cookies and cakes and all other things sweet. Yesterday I put on my apron and my bakers hat and basked in a confectioners glow.

I sent Marvin and the kids out of the house. To be honest I didn't care where they went, as long as it was away. I think he spent half of the day driving around the mall parking lot, and half sleeping in the car at the library.

With them out of my hair, I was able to make fudge and peanut brittle. I painted happy faces of tiny gingerbread men and I rolled up cream filled pumpkin rolls. It was wonderful. I turned the music up (non holiday I assure you) and sang and danced, whilst sipping my wine. All was definitely well with the world.

Seven had the couches all to himself and he occasionally looked up, grinned and approved of my happiness. Yes, dogs can grin.

When the family finally returned home, we ate cookies until we all felt ill. Gotta love the holidays.

What's your favorite thing about this time of year?
~NM

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Mrs. Willoughby has Lost Her Mind

Today, I was out walking Seven around the block. Encase you are new to this delightful blog, Seven is our new dog. He is a cute little fuzzy thing sans one back leg. My wonderful husband, Marvin, thought he would be the perfect Christmas gift for our children (ages 3 and 10).... long story.

I decide to walk around the block with Seven, because he was making eyes at me all morning. I knew he needed to get out of the house and stretch all three of those cute little legs, so I thought I would be nice and take him for a walk.

All was well and good until we got in front of the Willoughbys' house. Seven thought it was a great place to mark, so I let him. I didn't know crazy Mrs. Willoughby would run out of her house with a fire extinguisher and try to put out my dog.

SO...

I might have been wearing my Snuggie. The exact same one I was wearing with my entire family the evening she and her shifty eyed husband decided to call the cops on us... and I did pelt the back of her house with some rotten apples left on my porch. I might have been asking for it, but not poor Seven.

I said some ugly things, but then being sprayed down with a fire extinguisher probably didn't help. I definitely said some things I am glad my children didn't overhear. She ran back into her house about as fast as she appeared with her fire prevention technique.

Defeated, Seven and I dragged our butts home whining the whole way.

Poor Seven; I gave him a nice warm bath and scrambled him an egg. I feel completely rotten. Mrs. Willoughby hasn't heard the last from me.
~NM

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Welcome Home... Seven

Marvin and I have been talking about getting the kids a puppy for Christmas. He thought he would stop by and see what was up for adoption at the local pound on the way home from work today.

I didn't think he would bring anything home. I thought it was just a "look and see" trip. I was wrong.

Marv brought home a dog today; a small brown, fuzzy mutt with huge chocolate eyes. Marvin was so proud of himself when he showed me Seven, the three-legged dog he brought home for the kids for Christmas. He told me they named him Seven because that was the number of toes he had on his remaining feet???

"I thought you were getting a puppy?" I asked while I just shook my head, confused.

"He's little like a puppy..."

"How old is he?" I interrupted.

"Eight or nine... they think." He was running his hands all through Seven's fluffy curls with a childlike twinkle in his eyes.

"Eight or nine? Marv, what were you thinking? He's old and OBVIOUSLY impaired. We have kids who are going to be rough with him. Oh my gosh, Marv," I gasped, "What if they kill him?"

"God, Mary," he rushed in, "he's a tough little guy, the kids can't hurt him. He's a good dog, they even told me how great he is with kids"

I could see all the ways this could go horribly wrong in my head, but I tried to shake it off. "Alright, Marv..." He had the biggest, dorkiest smile (which was seriously making me sick to my stomach) plastered all over his face when he called the kids into the room.

They ran in at top speed. They didn't know Marvin was home, so they were excited to see him. They both came to a screaching halt when they saw the dog in their father's arms.

"Merry Christmas," Marv sat the little dog on the kitchen floor. Both of his front feet touched the tile simultaneously and then clinked the nails of his single hind leg.

The kids' eyes widened.

Sweet Pea began to scream, and Seven began to run in small circles. Baby Boy just stood there staring, while Marv tried to get Pea to settle down. I just stood there wishing I was somewhere else and crossing my fingers that the dog didn't pee all over my floor.

"That dog has three legs," B.Boy said flately still staring at the mini circus act/freak show that was playing out before our very eyes. Pea stopped screaming just long enough to catch her breath, and began again. Seven started to run throughout the living room/dining area in large figure eight patterns, obviously freaked by Pea's vocal chords (aren't we all).

I could just stand there with my mouth wide open/head shaking frantically. I think I was in shock. I had to get out of there. I excused myself, although I am sure it wasn't audible, and hid out in my bathroom... the sanctuary that is my bathtub.

I let them work out the ordeal.

Sometimes, I have to pat myself on the back for my quick thinking. When I finally decided I was brave enough to go back into the other room, I was shocked to find the three of them and our new three-legged dog, Seven, sitting on the couch eating cookies. Seven licking their smiling faces inbetween bites.

I was on my own for dinner.
They had cookies.... I had ice cream :-)
~NM

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I Believe in Chistmas Miracles, Do you?

I have recently experienced these little pieces of heaven called Nilla Cakesters. They are these magnificently yummy cookies filled with soft billowy clouds of sugar. They are supposed to be like over sized Nilla Wafers filled with the wondermous filling that makes up the best part of a Twinkie. They are so incredibly delicious.

If they taste good, they have to be good for you, right?

Well today, while I sipped on my favorite diet beverage (I don't want to drink my calories), I sit down and visited with my best friend (my computer). To my right was this sparkly package of Strawberry Creme Nilla Cakesters, and I knew it was going to be the best part of my day.

I took the delicately pink package into my eager hands and opened it, and what did I find?

THREE CAKESTERS!!! IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!

Obviously to be filled with only 2 cakes, my package had been blessed with a wonderful defect. While they were oddly shaped and rather smooshed, it has still been a joyous day worth celebrating!

~NM

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